Life with a
fictional Microsoft "My SCUBA" diving system:
- To close the air valve on the tank you have to turn it in
the direction marked "start".
- When you try to release some air out of the BCD, a small
window pops up on the screen of the computer asking "are you
sure you want to relase air" with the options "continue",
"cancel" and "return".
- Air connectors are said to be to international standard
but connections will leak if connected to parts from a
- "My SCUBA" may refuse to use tanks if they were last used
with an older version of "My SCUBA".
- You have to purchase a new computer quite often, as the
old computer will not work with latest release of "My SCUBA",
and new subsystems (BCD, regulators, pony bottle), which you
may need to add or replace from time to time, may not work
with old releases of "My SCUBA".
- Microsoft agents have legal right to raid, without
previous warning, any place where SCUBA equipment is used or
stored to check that all licenses are properly paid for and
receipts at hand.
- If you replace more than 3 parts of your outfit, you have
to phone the Microsoft operator and ask for reactivation.
- Microsoft is reserving the right do deactivate any
function of your system any time without your previous
approval, without your knowlegde and without any
- The inbuilt "My SCUBA" diving algorhitm is Microsoft's
business secret. Microsoft claims that it is the most reliable
and advanced in the world and that it allows significantly
longer bottom times. Repeated cases of DCS are attributed to
clumsines and/or health problems of the victims by Microsoft.
It is common knowledge that the "My SCUBA" diving algorhitm is
actually quite obsolete and unreliable, but nothing is being
done about it.
- "My SCUBA" stops operating from time to time without any
obvious reason - 1st stage valve is closed, computer doesn't
respond and its screen changes to blue colour, displaing
message "fatal system error". This is affectionately known in
"My SCUBA" diving community as "blue screen of death".